Boundaries are relational.

Befriending the 'Boundary Buster' Part

Boundaries are often misunderstood. They aren’t about shutting people out—they’re a relational way of saying, “I can authentically care about you from this distance.” See Terri Cole’s work on this.

Holding a boundary is about creating space for healthy connection, not pushing people away.

In my practice, I’ve found parts work helps illuminate this. We are a multiplicity of being. When all parts agree on a decision—our values, our needs, our limits—we feel unified, grounded, and whole. But when we step into a new boundary, an internal rift can emerge: one part feels empowered, while another hesitates, doubts, or even panics. This can show up as tension, agitation, or second-guessing…. and of course dreaded GUILT.

Here’s how to hold a boundary in a way that honors all your parts…

1) Feel into the boundary first.
Notice the part of you that feels empowered by this boundary. What does it feel like in your body to say “no” or “I need space”? Allow yourself to sit in that sensation, posture, or movement. Let yourself savour this newfound agency.

2) Invite the hesitant part to the conversation.
This is the part that learned to please, minimize, or protect you by keeping boundaries soft. Instead of pushing it away, welcome it. Ask, “What are you afraid of? What will happen if I hold this boundary?” This part is holding wisdom and history—listen, notice its feelings, and create space for it to speak.

3) Hold both parts together.
Your empowered boundary part might want to dismiss the fearful one. Pause. Let the cautious part be heard. Sometimes it helps to move, sway, or use an object to represent this part—anything that allows it to exist safely. Compassion toward this part is how integration happens.

4) Practice relational love through boundaries.
Boundaries are a way to love others and yourself. Saying “I can’t engage right now” or “I need space” doesn’t close the door; it protects the relationship from resentment, overwhelm, or collapse. You are modeling respect, both inward and outward.

5) Trust yourself and your capacity to hold the whole experience.
When you can hold all your parts—the empowered, the fearful, the doubtful—you create flexibility. Boundaries become an act of connection, not separation. You can be present, loving, and firm all at once.

Boundaries aren’t walls. They are a way to practice relational integrity: you love fully, but not at the cost of yourself.

This is a fantastic podcast episode on understanding the role of guilt in boundaries, that further dives into this.