Mastering Boundaries through Self-Compassion & Somatic Inquiry
Befriending the 'Boundary Buster' Part
In my practice, I found the parts work really resonates with me both personally and for my clients. The idea is that we are a multiplicity of beingness. When there is full consent in our system about a decision, our values, our needs in relationships, all our parts are comforted by their place and their role. It feels like one voice, one you. When we feel torn, or caught in an internal bind, it might feel like one part is levelling the f* up and another part feels uncertain or yells at you in complete opposition. This can internal rift can show up as physical tension, irritation, or annoyance at oneself. It can also leave you feeling defeated and doubtful.
As we set new boundaries with people in our lives, it is a huge pattern shift. Maybe you are no longer willing to be complicit? Maybe you are challenging expectations people have of you? Maybe you are willing to have that direct conversation, that you never dared to in the past?
However, you might notice a stirring inside as you step into a new boundary. It may feel like you want to hide, retreat or even take back that boundary.
A part of you has matured and empowered in the here and now and can embrace your badass boundary. Yet, your newfound empowerment can challenge the part of you that has been navigating the world and keeping you safe for so long. This part of you learned to be agreeable, and available to others, take up less space and minimize your true needs. It might have been the best option in the past. How do you navigate this bind? Here are some of my favourite tips for self-guided healing.
1) Notice the empowering badass-boundary part first. Notice what it feels like to sit within that boundary. Note: if that sneaky feeling of suspicion, fear or even guilt comes up, ask it to hang out in the corner for just a moment. Give yourself full permission to feel into this new boundary. "Yes, I am going on an actual vacation". "Yes, I am going to skip family dinner this month, not because I have plans, but because I'm tired of this shit". Feel into it. Notice if there is a posture, gesture or movement that feels good. Try a movement that lets you savour this badass part. Give this voice, and action, let yourself fully feel into it.
2) Make space for the boundary-busting part. Yup, now the hard part. Once you feel you have unlocked achievement you may want to erase the doubtful, fearful mistrusting parts of yourself. It's like you want to distance yourself from an old pattern as far away as possible. However, repression of any parts of our experience only makes them louder and sneakier. When we invest in the integration of all our experiences (including the completely contradictory ones), we soften towards all our parts. We find ways to take all our wisdom of the past and present to feel back into our wholeness. When you change your pattern and set a boundary, your old parts might feel like you are committing self-sabotage. That is because they have had your back this whole time. The first step is to welcome this part. know you are here. To greet this part warmly. Often this part is holding a feeling, memory or emotion or belief. See if you can give it some space to express this. If it feels too much to hold it in the body, you can use an object to represent it and hold it outside of the body. Yes, really hold it, sit with it and find a way to be with it, without rejecting its concerns.
3) Ask this part, what is it afraid of? What would happen if you keep this boundary? You might want to journal and write this down, or just let it speak to you. I sometimes find a movement, gestures or sensation are louder than words when I notice my resisting parts. You may notice as soon as you try to hang with this part, your newfound badass boundary part will want to minimize this part's concerns. "I know my fear is so dumb", you might find yourself saying. Yet, I encourage you to not rationalize or minimize this internal experience. Instead, give your badass boundary part a time out. Tell it to go make itself a margarita, and see if the fullness of all your being can just hang with this part that feels threatened by this new boundary. If it is still hard to talk to this part, or if you feel blocked, notice the tension and just find some soothing motion, rocking, swaying or anything that tells this part it's okay to come out and speak fully. You will likely find this part of you is young, maybe a little one? It might even be a kid with the voice of a parent that it internalized. If you can allow this part to fully have a sense of itself, it is much easier to work with and bring compassion towards yourself.
Our boundaries don't need a why. They just are.
4) Cognitive rationalization in face of discomfort. My go-to favourite defensive strategy. New boundary = Now I need to justify this boundary.
If a drunken man comes to corner you on an empty train at 11:30pm, there is no reason for you to give a why. You need to get the hell out of there. However, being in this very situation years ago, I found myself doubting if I should get up, even if the warning signs were all there. Our parts learned strategies like avoiding confrontation, taking up space or doing something rash (e.g.like protecting your body) was unsafe and had long-term consequences. You might have parts that believe if we avoid a boundary we may receive more love and not feel rejected. These are the ways we learned to self-protect. There is nothing wrong with you, you learned these skills and they served you for a long time. As adults, these parts might try to justify new boundaries like, "I purposely picked a vacation spot with no wifi so no one from work can contact me". Or, "Let me draft that text message again for the 12th time on why I don't want to hang out this weekend, so I don't hurt their feelings". It is really new for this part to practice a boundary, it feels risky. It is in this moment when you find yourself justifying the boundary, leaning into what is behind the why? What is this part trying to protect?
5) Reinforce compassion. Once you can really be with this part and learn its strategy, Investigate how this way of being was helpful. Learn from your experiences when and where it was safer to not have a boundary? Show this part compassion for that time. You can verbalize this, move with this part, or even journal. Understand why this way of being was helpful in the past. Just let this part know that you hear her, that her concerns are not silly or unfounded. They were once upon a time helpful in the past, but now we are in the present. At this moment, you can protect her without question. You will not let harm come to her. Ask what it would take for her to trust you in leading a boundary? Notice in your body if there is a softening or change in intensity when this part finally gets that you are here with her now.
6) Trusting yourself and the fullness of your experiences. When you can hold compassionately the narratives that hold resistance, they no longer dominate you. There is a way you can give them space to breathe, to let them know you are aware of their concerns and still choose boundaries. You find the capacity to hold both. In many ways when there is an integration of boundaries from the fullness of your parts, this can allow boundaries to be flexible and pliable. An over boundaried part, blocks intimacy and trust-building.
Instead of fantasizing about burning your in-law's house down, you may just order the family take-out and not pretend you cooked it ! 😛
Hope these prompts were helpful. If this resonated with you, but still need -1-1 support, happy to book a clarity call with you to work with you through this.
P.S. The #1 book I recommend to all my clients is : No Bad Parts, by Dick Schwartz who created the IFS system. It is such a potent guide to the self-acceptance of all our parts.