Kindness is also a boundary
For many of us, politeness is often a primary strategy in navigating conflict. Maintaining the status quo means staying adaptive to other people's needs. This is largely rooted in a scarcity mentality because we believe our needs will never be met fully. When I thought about moving offices, the discomfort produced thoughts like: "... What if I move and can't offer my clients free parking?...It is highly unlikely I will find an accessible space at this price point...I'm only renting this office, part-time, I should be more flexible..."
Sound familiar? Do you find yourself negotiating out of possibility or change because the fear of rejection or disappointment is so strong? Or maybe you believe that this is the best you can get, and you should be grateful and not rock the boat. You are not alone.
One day, I was listening to Brené Brown on her podcast. She often reminds us that clear is kind. Kindness had no space for resentment or fake smiles. Kindness does not emotionally contort itself to be accepted. Kindness can be firm, and can hold boundaries because it holds all beings with loving fairness. Kindness is compassion for all, including the one extending the kindness. It was at this moment that I remembered another pivotal quote from the author of Braiding Sweet Grass:
“...all flourishing is mutual.”
- Robin Wall Kimmerer
As I continue to expand my private practice, I've started questioning what it means to create out of kindness. What kind of therapist will that require me to be? How do I embody flourishing? How do I give spaciousness for others' existence if I limit my own being? What is kindness and compassion for others if it doesn't include the self?
This is how I found the office space I didn't know I needed. I stopped being polite and instead stepped towards kindness. Kindness opened me to the creative possibility, to extend beyond my discomfort. Kindness allowed me to ask for more.
What we tolerate in our social, emotional and physical environment echoes the limitations of love and care we can give to others.
Bonus time! I’ve recorded a free somatic inquiry to help you get started on differentiating the sensations, beliefs and embodiments of kindness and politeness. Observing one's pattern is the first step towards change.