Why Politeness Keeps Us Small
Psst…Scroll down for free guided meditation on experiencing kindness vs politeness somatically.
For many of us, politeness becomes the primary strategy for avoiding conflict. When we stay agreeable, adaptive, and accommodating—often at the expense of our own needs. We also risk loosing intimacy as we take less risks when we are more concerned in managing our self-perception that prioritizing authentic connection. Sometimes politeness can be a form scarcity: the belief that if we ask for too much, our needs won’t be met, or worse, we’ll lose what little we have.
If you ever find yourself negotiating against possibility because fear of rejection or disappointment,
You’re not alone.
One day, while listening to an episode of Brené Brown’s podcast, I was struck again by her reminder: “Clear is kind.”
“Kindness isn’t about resentment covered by a polite smile. It doesn’t contort itself to gain approval.
Kindness is both generous, but firm.
It can set boundaries. It holds all beings—including ourselves—with loving fairness.”
When negotiating pay or a promotion.
Politeness might sound like: “Thank you for the offer, I really appreciate the opportunity”—even if the salary doesn’t reflect your skills, experience, or needs. The result? You stay in scarcity, with fewer resources to thrive.
Kindness instead sounds like: “I’m excited about this role and the value I bring. Based on my experience and responsibilities, I believe a fair salary would be closer to X.”When a friend repeatedly cancels plans.
Politeness might sound like: “No worries, I understand”—even as disappointment quietly builds, and intimacy and trust erodes.
Kindness instead sounds like: “I feel let down when our plans fall through. I value our time together, and I’d love to find a way that works better for both of us.”
In both cases, kindness doesn’t diminish the relationship—it deepens it. Clear boundaries make space for trust, connection, and real presence.
Kindness opens creative possibility. It allows us to ask for what we need, and in turn, to give more generously.
Because what we tolerate in our social, emotional, and physical environments echoes the love and care we’re able to extend outward.
When we choose kindness over politeness, we don’t just create more space for ourselves—we create the conditions where all can flourish.
Bonus time! I’ve recorded a free somatic inquiry to help you get started on differentiating the sensations, beliefs and embodiments of kindness and politeness. Observing one's pattern is the first step towards change.
